Funny how things you experienced in your childhood, and found very humiliating and horrible, when repeated in a new context become something different. I am thinking of something that happened yesterday and still is on my mind.
Anyway, it started with a phone call from Fiona, our dearest friend, who happened to be in town yesterday. But just for the day, sigh. We decided to have lunch, the three of us and so we had. It was lovely to see beautiful Fiona. Yes, I will admit, that I used to have a real crush on her and to be perfectly honest we snogged once at a party (I was a little tipsy, as they say). Felicia knows all about it and laughs about it (she has snogged her too).
As we sat there having lunch Fiona asked Felicia about me. I know she wanted to tease me a little but all of a sudden it felt like I was sitting with my mum and her friends and I was just a little girl and they were talking about me over my head. You have all been there. You know how angry and humiliated you are.
Felicia entered into the spirit of it and soon those two, lovely, red haired women sat there talking about me while I was sitting beside them. They completely ignored me and Felicia told Fiona about how I behaved and what I used to do and say. I felt really humiliated and almost protested.
They even talked about how bad and naughty Tiny Miranda sometimes could be and Fiona even asked what punishment I got. Felicia eagerly obliged her and told of how she spanks me. If you have read my blog you know that Fiona knows everything about our relationship and has even participated in the tanning of poor Miranda's bottom.
They continued discussing how best to discipline me and how different implements could be used on my poor, poor and, of course, exposed backside. I don't know why I didn't just leave but silly me just sat there listening.
Then it struck me that in that sense of humiliation, which I recognised from my childhood (not that I was spanked in my childhood but being talked about was enough to make me feel bad), there was a new sense, a grown up sense. I realised that I actually let them do it. I sat there and let them talk about me and letting them talk about me was my way of showing how devoted I am to Felicia. And the humiliation I felt was not just degrading but also, quite, exciting.
As we left Fiona at the train and we walked back together, Felicia and me, I told her that I was almost sorry that Fiona couldn't come back to our place and see how Felicia did it, disciplined me.
Sometimes Felicia can be a little smug and a little superior when she feels I am childish and admit it. Now she had that smile on her face that otherwise infuriates me but this time there was a kind of recognition in it, as if she saw that I had realised something important. I felt proud then.